The Blessing

This was a  bio I wrote for a brochure of a ministry that was at Life Center Church.  Even now I am more willing and open to talk about my experience and the truth I've learned about the loss of a child. Despite what some people have said, the truth is the thoughts and emotions of all types of child loss is so incredibly similar.  From other miscarriage sufferers to an overwhelming statistical amount of women who choose abortion, to the women (at least who I spoke to), who lost a child at anytime, even into that child's adulthood; and to those living with infertility.  They are all mothers.  We all have this loss in common.

When my husband and I got pregnant it was very easy. We tried for just one month and with the next cycle found out the great news. I thought it must be the right time for us to start our family if it was so easy to get pregnant. At nine weeks we had our first ultrasound. I thought the little peanut shaped image was the cutest most precious thing I had ever seen. But then the nurse says “I'm not finding a heartbeat.” Then I was afraid for my child. Would they be able to find a heartbeat? Was my baby going to be OK? It wasn't. So many emotions I had never felt before hit me all within just a few minutes of each other. I had never experienced loss before. No one close to me has ever died. I'm 27 and I have been blessed to still have those I love living.
I didn't know how to process any of this information. I felt like I had been hit by a Mac truck. In the days following I was praying for God to raise my child from the dead. That may sound strange to a non-believer or maybe naive to a believer, but I was hoping for a miraculous outcome just like those I had read about in the bible and heard stories of miracle after miracle from believers of yesterday and today.  Finally at the next appointment I learned I had to accept the fact that I was not going to be able to have this baby.
I felt guilty wondering if I had done something to cause the death. Was I eating wrong?  Did I over exert myself?  Had I deserved this?  - No.  That much I didn't believe because Karma simply is not truth. If it were and everyone always got what they deserved we'd all be dead or in turmoil.  OR, we'd all be happy and loving and there would be no hurt in the world.  Jesus was a great need for the world or we wouldn't know who he is now.  I was angry that God didn't stop this from happening.  I mean he loves me right? So then why, it seems, didn't he care how much it would hurt me? Didn't he understand the effects that this miscarriage brought about on my relationships with other women? With my husband? Didn't he know how jealous I would be at the site of every pregnant woman that walked by? Didn't he know how angry I would be with women who chose to abort something that I wanted for myself? Didn't he know how confusing it would be for me to gain something so easily and then lose it even easier?
After months and months of battling with the loss I came to realize some things about God. I had known these things in my head but never knew they were true until this whole experience. My body is broken and it is not my own. It is possible that my own body will go against my desires. I see this as an imagery of the Lord. How much does he hurt when his creation, in HIS OWN IMAGE go against His desires? Just like the hopes and love and happiness I had in my child, God has those same feelings for us, his children.
God changed the effects of the circumstance once I was honest with him about how I felt and allowed him to access to the hurtful places. I chose to have a new hope in Christ that I never would have had if it wasn't for my loss. In turn I have been given a new heart full of the desire to be along side other women that have lost their babies. Research shows the effects of miscarriage and abortion are very similar. That was something I didn't want to believe was true but then I met some amazing women who have shown me that yes, in fact, it is true. I learned that nothing that I go through will ever be a waste or for nothing.

I believe every persons purpose for life is exactly the same (though it may look differently in how that purpose is carried out from person to person.) to love and worship God.  I am happy that my little baby is in heaven fulfilling his/her purpose.

A letter to my baby written a few months after the miscarriage:
I feel that God was also using pieces of the same letter to write to me. Those parts are highlighted.
Baby,
You're my baby and I love you.  You are precious and wonderful in every way.  I never met you, but I felt you.  You have moved me.  Because of you, sweetheart, I have a new hope in Jesus.....I'm sad I couldn't hold you.  I really wanted to.  Once I see you I promise I'll hold you forever. Look over your bothers and/or sisters.... Until forever, Momma; The Prince of Peace